Dear Idiot
by brite
Summary: What if the love letters in Chp 27 DIDN'T have to be addressed to Narumi? Crack!fic, rating is entirely Natsume's fault. Darn those adult themes!


Author's Note: This is a slightly AU riff on chapter 27, so spoilers for that chapter. I loved Narumi's test, and I was curious about what would happen if he had just tweaked the assignment slightly. I didn't stick to the requirements though. ^_^;; Ah, well, it's pretty much crack, anyway.

Disclaimer: Gakuen Alice does not belong to me.

Dear Idiot

"Now, remember everybody," chirped Narumi as he passed out the exams, "as long as you fulfill the specified requirements you may address this letter to anybody in the class. This, of course, includes me," he continued, beaming, impervious to the growing number of looks of horror and faint disgust from the majority of boys in the class besides Koko, whose smile was as blandly affable as ever.

The girls were more enthusiastic; many of them broke out into giggles, glancing at each other in barely-concealed excitement. Several of them--largely members of the Natsume-Ruka Fan Club--were stealing not-so-subtle looks at the back of the room, eyes gleaming predatorily. Ruka blanched and sunk down in his seat, looking vaguely ill, while Natsume's scowl was edging towards death-glare status. He glowered at Narumi, and his eyes held all the promise of torture slow and excruciating.

Completely oblivious to the discomfort of her bench-mates, Mikan smiled happily. "This sounds like fun!" she said to Ruka, in a whisper loud enough to carry across the entire room. As one, the boys in the class turned to glare at her, Natsume included. Ruka winced a smile and turned a little greener. A few rows ahead, Hotaru paused in her reading of the exam long enough to roll her eyes.

"That's the spirit, Mikan-chan!"said Narumi with a smile, blithely ignoring the return of Natsume's death-glare. "Alright everyone, let's get started. Write neatly, and please, no talking. You have forty five minutes, beginning now."

_-Forty five minutes later-_

"Thank you, everyone. Please turn in your exams at the desk before you leave." The students trailed slowly out in twos and threes, exhausted and anxious by turns--some of them were just now realizing that Narumi would, in fact, need to read the letters in order to grade them, and were now regretting their choice of subject or level of honesty, while others were simply grateful to be done, or trying to prepare for their next exam of the day.

With one last wave at Mikan and her cohort--an action which Mikan reciprocated, Hotaru endured, Ruka acknowledged, and Natsume ignored--Narumi sat down at his desk and settled in to read.

~*~

Letter #1: Hyuuga Natsume

Dear Idiot,

I am not in love with you. I wouldn't even be writing this if that bastard Narumi weren't making me.

Your eyes are the color of mud, your hair the color of less wet mud. Your smile is annoying. In fact, your entire face is annoying. There is no part of you that could not be improved. Honestly, Polka-Dots, you're a girl. It's time you started looking like one.

Except...not in Central Town. If you wore a dress there, some pathetically horny and desperate old man might consider molesting you…if it were dark and he hadn't gotten laid in a year. Then I'd have to interfere, to make sure he didn't make the worst mistake of his pathetic, horny life. So don't.

Don't do it at school either. Some losers here actually _like_ mud-brown hair and eyes and that annoying smile of yours. You probably haven't even noticed yet. Jeez, you're dense. That's another thing I dislike about you.

So, yeah, avoid them. Due to your extreme denseness, you won't know who I am talking about, so I'll spell it out. Stay away from Tobita. Narumi too (Can you say pedophile?). And that pervert upperclassman of yours, Tsubasa (Ye gods, even your** sempai** are irritating). Just in case, you should also steer clear of our whole year. And all the upperclassmen. And all the underclassmen. And all the teachers.

You're glaring right now, but really, I'm doing you a favor. Think of all the moronic poems I'm sparing you. There are only so many words that rhyme with "mud" and "annoying". Really, you should just avoid guys altogether. I'm not sure about which way Imai swings, so you'd better keep away from her as well.

Obviously, you do not need to avoid me, as I do not, never have, and never will love you. At all.

Another thing: don't go getting a swelled head. Your Alice may be improving, but mine is still superior in pretty much every way. You'll have to practice a lot to bring yours up to par. If you beg me, I suppose I could help you with lots of extra one-on-one training. You know, if I have nothing better to do. So, anyway, just to clarify: you suck, and you're still just my-an idiot.

NOT yours,

Natsume

P.S.: I forgot to mention Ruka in the People-to-Avoid section. You can talk to him…I guess. As long as I'm there to make sure you don't fry his eyeballs with your plainness.

P.P.S.: Your name is annoying too.

P.P.P.S.: Wear sexier underwear.

~*~

Letter #2: Sakura Mikan

Dear Hotaru,

We are supposed to write this letter to the person we love most in the world. Of course, I'm choosing you! (Are you writing about me? Are you? Are you?) I love you! You're my bestest friend since forever--don't try to deny it, you know you are. Ah! You're still trying to deny it in your head, aren't you? Hotaru, you're so cold! Actually, though, that's one of the things I love about you, because it's what makes Hotaru, Hotaru!

Lessee…I should probably list off the things I like about you. That's what people do in love letters right?

1. Everything! Teehee.

Well, that was easy. Moving on!

I am really glad that I met you, Hotaru. I just know that you're going to grow up to be amazing! You'll be inventing things, and making discoveries, and spending lots of time with…people…other than me…Waaaah! Don't leave me, Hotaruuuu! I don't want to be alone!

No! I shouldn't cry, because then you won't like me anymore. That's what you said, right? That I should keep smiling? If that's what you want, then I'll try.

Sometimes, though,_ you're _the one making me cry--like this morning. I swear, Hotaru, I didn't _mean _to break your new project! I thought it was just a normal vending machine! I was thirsty, and I wanted to buy some juice, but it wouldn't let me, and I may have kicked it a bit, but only a little--and really, Hotaru, your projects should be heavier, or less fragile, or something--and anyway, you didn't have to shoot me! And then you took all my money! That 500 yen was all I had! I was saving up for Howalon!

What? Time's up already?! No, Narumi-sensei, I'm not—

~*~

Letter #3: Imai Hotaru

To: Imai, Hotaru

From: Imai, Hotaru

Hello.

Out of all the people in the class, you are the one I like best.

You are being very forbearing with the dummy. If anyone _else _had messed with your project, they would have been carried away in a bucket. Instead, you only shot her with the BAKA-gun and made her reimburse you 500 yen. It's worth more, but the dummy was practically broke after wasting her finances purchasing that fluffy candy she gets so ridiculous about.

Keep up the good work.

P.S.: The most recent N. R. photographs are still developing. Do not forget them.

~*~

Letter #4: Nogi Ruka

Dear

This was as far as he got.

~*~

At his desk, Narumi groaned, his head in his hands. This was _not_ what he had meant.

He had thought it would be a _fun_ exam, a good way to get the kids to practice their writing skills in a way that could, in the words of a certain joy-killing teacher, "potentially be of actual _use_ to them." He had been soooo tired of reading essays, and everything had been so stressful lately what with the festival and the visit to Mikan's grandfather, and, frankly, he'd had been curious as to whether any of his cute little students actually _could_ write a love letter.

He knew Alice children weren't usually the best when it came to connecting honestly to their emotions. Manifestation of strange powers early in life tended to do that to a person. They had had to grow up too quickly. The academy was so eager to make them soldiers, and businessmen, and specialists that it forgot to let them be children. Narumi didn't want that to happen.

Now…he was sort of regretting that impulse. (And he most certainly was **not **a pedophile! Hmph.)

Forlornly, he looked over at the stack of unread papers. Then he hit his head against the desk. Then he went to look for aspirin. He was going to need the entire bottle if he wanted to finish these by tomorrow.

Aspirin in hand, he settled down once more. Sighing slightly, he took the next letter off the stack.

"Dearest Natsume-kun and Ruka-kun,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…"

Better make that two bottles.

~end~


End file.
